Tough Talks: Addiction & Recovery - The Real Reality

I never thought I’d be able to openly admit to the world that I was an addict. Most of my addictions could be assumed to be negative, bad habits. But addiction is a personality trait that can serve us as well. We’ll get to that in another post but right now, I want to touch on my journey of addiction and my recovery.

First, let me say that recovery is EXTREMELY difficult. Just coming to the conclusion that you want to change your life is a huge step. Then you have to sit there and think about how you’re going to tackle this obstacle when much of your life has been surrounded by this vice. 

All of my vices crucified me without my acknowledgement. I drove myself into a tiresome cycle that seemed to never end. It was slowly dragging me down but I kept writing it off as normal because in this society– a lot of bad habits are normalized. It’s easy to write it off and say that you don’t really have a problem, especially if you maintain a somewhat normal life. You reach a point where the booze stops helping and the weed high becomes blunt (no pun intended). You are still left feeling empty and you keep trying to fill these voids until you can’t anymore. Pouring into a bottomless cup..

I was an addict for almost 20 years. Drinking and smoking my life away trying to numb a pain that wouldn't go away. It took me a long time to accept this. I fought believing that I had a real problem even though those around me would mention it from time to time. And of course, I’d retaliate because denial is a real thing. It got to a point that I didn't have anyone around me so the only person left to judge me was… me. 

After so many years, it became a part of my identity and I forget why I started in the first place. But check out this wild fact; the moment I stopped doing all of it, all of the reasons I started in the first place came rushing back. Feelings of abandonment, loneliness, hurt, pain, suffering, began gnawing at me. And then in an instant, the why, made clear sense. I see exactly why I started all of this in the first place. The thoughts of my trauma were antagonizing to my spirit… but after all the damage I have done to myself, to my relationships, and to my life, the addictions did nothing but bury it deep down inside and it was all still there. It was clearly not the solution and I wanted to heal…. but all I knew how to do was mask it. 

I had a shit ton to unpack. And I really mean a shit ton. It all seemed overwhelming. Early on into my recovery, to my surprise, I didn't have intense urges to drink or smoke, but I was overwhelmingly emotional. To be honest, I was mean as fuck and agitated. I was feeling angry toward myself and all those who have hurt me and was unsure how to channel all of that energy. I know I’ve got God, for sure, but with this magnitude of internal pain, I wasn't sure if I'd make it through. 

In the beginning, it's hard to see the uphill climb because I was feeling overwhelmingly down. I was having sleepless, sweaty hot nights while my body was trying to detox and reach homeostasis. Not to mention-- recurring thoughts of my past traumas that were haunting. 

Everyone talks about how difficult addiction is, but no one talks about how difficult RECOVERY is. It feels like everything you have been trying to medicate jumps you and starts to consume you and now you have to find a healthy way to mitigate these things. You don’t have the answers just yet. You haven’t found that equilibrium just yet. So you’re just left with “feeling.” Raw feeling..

I want everyone to know and understand this.. If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, the most important thing is to be compassionate with yourself or with the individual in recovery. No one knows how difficult it is unless you have lived it. I can’t say what the other side completely looks like just yet and I can’t see much further down the road either. But I do know that this was necessary to save my life and to save my purpose. I know that my suffering will inspire someone to keep going even when the only logical option is to give up. If my pain is worth that much, then I can submit to that. Until then, I’ll continue fighting for my life because where I am now is better than I ever was. I’ve been suffering alone for a long time and now I hope I can find solitude I knowing that I am overcoming the most challenging decision of my entire life.

Cheers! To sober living….